August 7th, 2012

Ann Vole

why I feel suicidal

If you have ever watched "Chicken Little" or "How to Train Your Dragon", you will see that most kids try to impress their parents with success (and for guys, their dad in particular). I could see a lack of interest in my goals of animation and raising animals and thus I tried getting a business started in alternate energy design. I still received criticism for the effort and ultimately failed at all three possible successes (a career that can support me financially). My body and my brain are both failing me so I have no hope of ever succeeding in a career in the last couple decades of my life. The only thing left to live for are things that give me enjoyment. If I put a weight to the three things I enjoy the most, handling animals would be 85%, drawing cute animals (including animation) 10%, and playing the piano 5%. My body is making it hard to draw and play the piano and my brain is making it hard to read and write and also to play the piano. The internet has helped pass the time telling people my lofty goals but that has lost it's pleasure as hope of achieving these goals is disappearing due to my physical and mental health. This only leaves handling animals. I have been doing everything in my power for 3 decades to get the opportunity to raise animals and the opportunities have been sabotaged by various incidences of bad luck (like being laid off due to low grain prices or having a dud vehicle), poor communication with my parents (they obviously do not realize that my goal is to raise animals), and decisions by my parents that appear from my angle to be an attempt to keep me away from animals (I must live in a suite in the house they are selling me at a great price and cannot have pets). It is also apparent that they have lost all credibility in me and thus forced me to kick out my renters in this house... lost half my income and two of those renters committed suicide soon after and the third attempted suicide. I felt like a murderer for the last 3 years because of that. Now I have been forced to sell my house so I figured I would become a student to try to live off of student loans. I failed to get a loan and failed my courses due to my mental conditions and my physical conditions caused me to lose my job. I have spent the last 4 months trying to move out so I can sell the house and still a long way off. Now there is an offer by my brother to get half ownership, he pays the bills and we split the rent profit (at least until he has paid as much as I have to the house and then bills shared). This is a good offer and I will likely agree but it brings up two issues: 1) they will let us rent out but not me... the reason for not letting me rent was never clear until now... lack of trust obviously 2) assurances were made that I would not be living in the house... hold on a second; I felt I was trapped here! I always wanted to live in the country with my animals but could not (no jobs out there but also required to live in the house by my parents... without pets). The obvious message is I am a "bad tenant" that needs to be removed... and yes, I have not paid rent lately due to lack of a job but the hopes of selling the house quickly was the idea... I failed at that. Will I be able to live with my animals and not have a job? That would be nice but my parents will still own the house and now my brother will have a say in what I do with my life. Another decade of strife and hiding my animal addiction while becoming increasingly disabled in mind and body.