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Llaprami, She is gone, Page 8

"Hello?"

"Yeah?"

"Is this 'Southern Cross Safari Outfitters'?"

"Ya got it too right mate"

"I am interested in the Brazilian 'tough nut panther hunt' on your website."

"Yeah, we be gettin' loads of calls for that one. Last chance to shoot anything worth beans sellin' but if you be a panzy-assed yuppy this'll kill ya."

"I spent months each of the world's rainforests translating, I think I am up for the task."

"Translator, mate? You're one up on me there. Wanna job? (he he) we can only pay you in shiney objects though."

"What species is this 'Brazillian Panther'? I can't find a species listed"

"That's the whole beauty of it mate, Brazil is doublin' it's population every few years an' they need to convert the whole blasted country to crops to make moonshine from y'r genetically moddied ferns. They took all restrictions off huntin' anythin' that moves. CITES restricts sellin' any endangered critters on their lists so Brazil ne'r gave them no Latin name. The black market price for one is more then our package price so it's 'sentially free long's ya bag one."

"Are these animals going to become extinct?"

"they's 'sentialy aready are 'cause Brazil's turning all their jungles to them ferns. Everythin's made of that ethenol 'stead of oil now so Brazil's makin' a killin' with it. If ya want to get rich quick, do anythin' in Brazil but especially baggin' panthers 'fore there gone"

"Can I order a trip?"

"Just pay on the website and someone should be at y'r door by sundown"

"Thanks"

"Ya won't be disappointed Mate"

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
akktri
Dec. 21st, 2006 09:11 pm (UTC)
My two cents
If it's too much trouble, or if it causes you undue stress, don't worry about it, but I think that maybe you should cut your postings after one paragraph (exception-if it's important enough to go on further than that).

I think the biggest thing that would help this story is to show, not tell. Illustrate the concept instead of having guys sit around and explain everything. It's better to show your African guys with machine guns and lion skin thrown over the back of their jeep, than to have some other guys saying, "You know, Bob. There sure is a lot of poaching going on in this here country. It really makes me sick!"
ashenfox
Dec. 22nd, 2006 04:09 am (UTC)
He has a good point, but you need a good balance of dialogue and description...that's something I'm still trying to learn. I think this particular page is a nice touch because the Aussie dialectual adds some great color...though what you've done already with the Llaprami's unusual social norms in their speech and address is pretty good, too.
Minor sticking point...I don't think I've ever heard an Australian say "we be" or "you be." I'd personally substitute "we're (or 'we been')" and "you're/yer" for those, respectively.
akktri
Jan. 5th, 2007 04:59 pm (UTC)
Shiney objects
I'm not sure what that guy means by `shiny objects.' The only thing I can imagine is one of those things you put in the back yard to scare away birds. Or a hood emblem for a car. What does it mean?
Also, I don't think a poacher would always call them `animals' or `critters.' He seems to be repeating himself. I think he might not even mention what he's doing unless it's necessary. People are often lazy talkers. I think your poacher could use some shorthand. Perhaps he could say something like, "Sure, I'll get `em.'" The reader already has an idea that he intends to hunt animals. No need to run it into the ground. In fact, you could even afford to confuse the reader a bit and write it like a mobster movie- "Tony, what did you do about the...trash?"
"Don't worry, boss. I took care of it."
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )